Returning from an 18-day trip in South-East Asia last Sunday, I was bowled over by the verdant beauty of England. The cow-parsley-filled verges of the M4 looked like the Garden of Eden. It was bliss to arrive home to scudding white clouds, cheddar cheese on toast, Pink Lady apples, front gardens, parish churches, Radio 3, the dog, and my own bed.
Friends have privately agreed that, however much we enjoy a foreign holiday, we’re always secretly counting down the days to come home. We hardly dare admit how relieved we feel at our first glimpse of M&S Simply Food in the arrivals hall.
As Dorothy Parker wrote: “Why is it, when I am in Rome, I’d give an eye to be at home, but when on native earth I be, my soul is sick for Italy?” Yes: all too often, when abroad, “I’d give an eye to be at home” – much as I crave Tuscan hilltop villages.
Are British families actually jumping at any excuse not to go abroad? It seems so. Holiday firms say that bookings for “staycations” are sharply on the rise this year. There are two excuses: first, the fear of flight cancellations and rising flight costs caused by jet-fuel shortages, which will carry on for months, “even if”, as our foreign correspondents keep repeating, “the Strait of Hormuz reopens tomorrow” (which it won’t); and, secondly, the dread of being stuck in a four-hour queue for compulsory fingerprints required by the new EU Entry-Exit System, causing us to miss those overpriced flights.
The alternative is to stay in Britain, as we had to during the pandemic summers – and how we loved that! Few of us will forget the joy of discovering the beauties on our own doorstep.
My highlight was a bike ride along National Cycle Route 1 from Tottenham Hale to Harlow in June 2020: I had no idea of the watery charm in store. Yes, it can rain in Britain, but it can also rain abroad; and when it does in a foreign land, you feel as if God has it in for you personally. When it rains in Britain you don’t feel so personally affronted.
It’s true that if it’s hilltop towns you crave, you won’t find many in Britain. Malmesbury is about as close as it gets. If you crave the Tuscan experience of walking up a steep, narrow street towards a church at the top, you’ll have to resort to St Michael’s Mount. Blame the ancestors for snuggling in valleys rather than defending themselves on hills, but those valley settlements are still stunning.
And just think: you’ll be speaking your native language, so you can have deep and meaningful conversations with locals in pubs. If you have a dog, you can bring it with you without having to get an expensive pet passport.
In the evenings, after your day of sightseeing Britain’s treasures, you’ll be able to watch BBC iPlayer and Sky, which you can’t do in foreign territories, where you’re stuck with stale Netflix.
For a staycation to be a proper holiday, though, not just “a few days off”, there are some rules.
First, you must inform your colleagues that they can’t call you whenever they like, even though they know you’re in the same country and time zone. Then, you must take yourself out of your comfort zone and be a bit intrepid. Go to a completely different part of Britain from the one you live in. If you live in Bath, for example, go to Morecambe Bay; and vice versa. If you live in Hull, visit Argyllshire; and vice versa. If you’re a Londoner, go to Anglesey; and vice versa.
This will remind you of the incredible varieties of the country you live in: its changing landscapes and architecture, its raw coasts and rolling hills, and, actually, its varied and delicious food. The days when British holiday food was revolting are gone. My best restaurant lunch of last year was at a pop-up “eatery” in an upcycled shipping container on the coast of East Lothian.
And if you’re on a staycation, you can go and stay with long-lost friends and relatives dotted about the country; and you’ll offer to have them stay in return. You’re not confined to the outsider’s diet of hotels, museums and restaurants as you are when abroad.
When you’ve had enough, you can drive home, spontaneously, guided by Google Maps (“You are still on the best route”), and, thankfully, be tucked up in bed by midnight.